True Wingman II

Its no surprise that when it comes to the responsibility of being the "wingman," the chances of you hitting on the "hotter" girl is very slim. I mean, where in the history of the wingman support system has the "wingman" been left with the more beautiful of the two? Let's face it, it wasn't going to happen this time.

Not to say that the other "woman" was fat and ugly. She wasn't. Just old. And wrinkly. And drunk. And had yellow crooked teeth. Suffice to say, I was going to "wing" it and just enjoy the moment.

First off, my mate was right. They were Russian. I introduced myself, and well, I don't quite remember their Russian names because to be honest, it didn't matter.

Attempting at becoming the best wingman I could be, I tried to engage on a one-on-one conversation with this woman so that my mate can concentrate on the task at hand.

To start off, the woman was absolutely hammered. This made it quite easy. She started with a nice comment of asking me if I was Chinese. I can't tell you how annoying that was. Because even after I told her the first time what my ethnicity was, she kept asking me again and again. I guess that's what happens after a few glasses of wine.

She then proceeds to ask me what my astrological sign is. All of a sudden, her eyes light up. She suddenly claims she's a psychic!

She asks me about my history and why I'm in London. Then she reveals that my true roots are not here, and that I'm looking for deeper meaning while I'm living here. She tells me that I won't be satisfied while I live here until I find this out this deeper meaning!

I'm floored at this point. Now, that could be a "typical" response from a psychic, finding "deeper meaning in life" and all that, but man, she wasn't too far away from what I felt!

So as I proceed to talk to her, and she even tells me the year I was born! Now this was scary! (Well, maybe its because I told her my Chinese sign, but who knows.)

I was so shocked at this point and started to believe her and I wanted to know more!

Of course when I ask this, she gets belligerent! She starts cursing me out and calling me a "typical American!" She tells me she's already given me 10 quid's worth of her abilities!

What was I supposed to say at this point! The lady was obviously drunk, so I shrug it off.

So, as we continue to discuss some random topic, all of a sudden, she puts her hands around my neck and starts strangling me! She rings my neck and I laugh nervously in shock! I don't quite remember what we were talking about, but I think the violent drunk in her was in full force! I didn't know what the hell was going on.

I remove her hands from my neck and ask her what is wrong with her. At that point, I should have got up and left. But for some reason, I found it entertaining.

A few minutes pass and all of a sudden she gets serious. (Now my friend already warned me about this earlier when his "lady" went to the restroom) She takes both of my hands and tells me that there's only one reason why we're talking. At this point, I play ignorant. She asks me if I'll buy her more drinks. I pass. Then she then asks me...

"So, would you be interested in my services?" (No, not her psychic services)

I jump so quickly out of my chair, I can't even describe it. Services? Are you serious? UGGHHH!!!!! Gross!

As I try and get up and leave she tells me that I should have known this whole time, etc etc. Which frankly, I honestly didn't know! She was old and warn out like a dirty rag!

Suffice to say, my mate owes me big time. He did get the other woman's number.

Mission Accomplished on my part. The only downside was that I was strangled by an old, drunk, violent, Russian psychic prostitute with yellow crooked teeth.